A few months ago David and I had to take a step back and realize that my anxiety is partnered with depression that only appeared after dealing with everything with Dad's sickness and Dad's death. Now, this is not to be confused with the grief and sadness I felt and feel, because that deserves its own time and place. Dad was my second best friend next to David. He was man I spent 5 of 7 days a week for seven years with. We were very close. Therefore, my grief and my depression should not be confused.
That being said, I feel I've spoken enough words about my grief (and will probably still in the future) to explain exactly what it is. This is about what I've learned and what I am learning from this journey that is depression.
That is my first point. I am a Riley through and through, and learning is something I eventually embraced. When I broke down in tears and felt anger and felt worthless and David and I had a discussion and pinpointed that I, in fact, have the great combination of anxiety (which is fairly under control) and depression, we began discussing the next steps. I'll go through that in a bit. Back to my point of learning though. Through our discussion, we decided my next step was to learn. To read some, or a good bit about depression. To almost study depression. Which, me having it aside, is a fascinating subject. As is anxiety. I plan to read more. I plan to learn more. It helps me focus and it helps me feel some control over something that I don't have much control over.
Second point and stuff I've learned, the things that are important to know and to ask when depression decides to show up.
1) First question David asked, and anyone should ask when someone says they are depressed. Are you suicidal/ do you have a plan? This is no joke, if someone has a plan you call the hospital! In my case, this isn't the case. While suicide means depression, depression does not always mean suicidal. A feeling of complete worthlessness does not mean suicidal.
2) This was "do you need to see a counselor?" This was up to me. And at the moment I felt equipped being able to talk things out with David to not. But at any point I do, we will get there.
3) What is the next step. In my case, learning. Reading. And being able to come to David and say "today is not a good day. I'm feeling depressed".
Some other things about me and how I'm feeling/dealing:
- I don't always feel low. In fact, I often have good days. I'm often happy.
- I am tired a lot though, and am trying to do things to improve upon that. I am laying down earlier and (surprisingly) passing out quickly. I have given up soda. I try to exercise as much as I can during the week to get my happy chemicals (serotonin, etc) up. I drain quick with people. Which is true because I'm an introvert, but depression amplifies it.
- I get irritable easily. Little things annoy me. And little things add up to make me lose it sometimes and end up in tears for hours. Spinning in circles.
- My worth has a lot to do with when I begin to feel my depression. I put a lot of stock into my worth in my job as a farmer. So to find something, walk away for the sake of my health, and to get nothing for months has felt awful. And I've had to work to realize that isn't what makes me a worthwhile person.
- I have a person in my life (David) who has dealt with depression in different ways his whole life and that is a blessing for me. He takes care of me. He knows that this may all seem illogical, but it still is there. He will talk things out with me. He will hug me. He will motivate me, or help me figure out some way in which to cope, he'll buy me ice cream. He is who and what I need right now. He has always been my rock in hard times, and this is no different. He is my person who I can talk to about anything and everything and that is all I need.
- I am still me. I am more subdued, certainly. But that may be something that just comes with my age and my introvertedness. No matter the sufferings in my life, I still love to help, and I still feel as if that is part of my calling. Part of who I am. If I can't acknowledge my own pain, suffering, sadness, and hardships of life and then make them into something that can help, I am no longer Sarah. There is no need to worry for me. While I may have allowed the cleaning of my house to become a ever two weeks thing, I have not stopped caring about me. I am striving to do things to reclaim my sleep. I am working to being how I was about exercise before. I am spending time doing things I love like binging Netflix with my husband (when we have time) or laying in bed with my puppies. I am reaching out to friends, just to chat. To see how they are because I care about what's going on in their lives. My depression is not a death keel, it is not a plea for help. It is acknowledging that sometimes life throws strange things at you at the strangest of times. It is acknowledging that sometimes I'm not going to feel amazing happy, and that's ok. I'm still ok, even if my brain chemistry is a little wonky now. It is to let you all know I'll still get my life taken care of, I'll still do what I need to do. But to let you all know that if I sink into myself for a bit of time, if David and the dogs are all I want interaction with, it isn't anything on the outside. It isn't you. It's me dealing with me. It's me recharging me. It's to let you all know that if I come off way more harsh then everyone has come to expect of me, it's because right now (though nothing to be ashamed of) my chemical makeup has decided to change the slightest bit.
I am not ashamed of this. And I'm not against answering questions if anyone has any. I figured I'd just be as transparent as possible on what is going on with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment