Closing my eyes, my mind still ran in circles. One giant circle, with dozens, maybe hundreds of smaller circles whizzing around it. Why is my scalp so dry? Why is my hair so healthy while my scalp is so dry? My leg stings. Why can I feel my heartbeat in my stomach, in my chest, and in my wrist? Why does my heartbeat seem so fast? My watch says my heart rate is low/normal. I wish it were warmer, it's too cold to wear dresses. But I can't wear pants because my tattoo still stings.
I left a job in December because I was constantly sick. When I went to my Doctor she gave me a prescription for a relaxer type medicine. It's usually used to help with anxiety (which is all well and good too, because that's part of my life as well). But she gave it to me specifically because I wasn't able to fall asleep and when I did I was still always exhausted. Well, here we are at the end of March and I've only used it a handful of times, trying instead to read, or stop drinking caffeine a few hours before bed, or putting down the phone, or turning off the tv. And sometimes I actually do pass out when my head hits the pillow, but most nights I don't. Most nights I'm still so wired, I'm still thinking of everything that my brain doesn't take the hint to sleep. And the times I've taken the medicine I think it helps. It certainly keeps me calm, but it doesn't knock me out, which is kind of what I hope for. A chloroform of types if we want to be dramatic. The bottle says one to two pills, but I've only ever taken one for fear of not waking up at the right time the next morning. I have this paranoid worry I'll konk out so hard with that extra pill that I'll sleep all through the night and right on into the next day. Yet, I still long for an ambien. My brain is conflicted.
More so then even not falling asleep until one in the morning, I still wake up at 7:30 when David's up for work. Sometimes I manage to 8. And on the days I sleep until 9 (since I don't go into work until 10:30) I feel like I could sleep for another week, and that I need to because I'm just exhausted.
I'm not sure where along the lines I began to have these insomniatic tendencies, but here I am. Somehow growing up, I'm equal parts better for it and equal parts becoming full of holes. Maybe that's adulthood though. And maybe my midnight ramblings will see some beauty.
No comments:
Post a Comment